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better orgasms may eventually result. Explain how basking in the flood of
excitement in each moment lets the energy build to higher and higher plateaus.
Without this frank kind of dialogue, your sex partner may push you into a style
of fucking that won't work for you early in the program, or ever. To prevent
this from happening, remind your lover about how much more pleasure you'll
both receive by starting slowly. Remind your partner how much pleasure you
receiver from IMPLOSIVE orgasms. Remind your beloved that you'll be less
sensitive after one of these inner energy experiences and ready to stroke faster
and deeper for a while. Above all else, remind your partner that you can go to
unheard of altered states together through Tantric lovemaking by changing the
rules of the game of sex.
To Cum Or Not
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We sensitive guys may still have the familiar urge to cum as our occasional or
constant companion. Even if you've begun to experience something better than
a quick squirt, old programming sometimes dies hard. So before we begin
partner exercises, we'd be well-advised to address the age-old question "to cum
or not to cum?" (Isn't that from Shakespeare?) With a partner in the mix,
answering becomes a more complex dynamic.
You realize that I'm pro-cuming in general because I strongly believe that
pleasure in all forms is a good thing. So maybe you'll accept my suggestion of
moderation in good grace. I think it's a good idea for the two of you to commit
that neither will intentionally go for the Big O during practice sessions without
open agreement first. Be sure to discuss the consequences of the Ultimate
Ecstatic Solution's learning strategy - getting close to the point of no return
repeatedly will cause mistakes. You need to learn to read each other's signals
and collaborate together to stay in the bliss plateau. Also, it would be great to
make a deal that you'll both enjoy all orgasms together, whether dry or wet,
intentional or accidental, and sometimes go for it.
5.3 Turning Each Other On
Lovemaking is complex because it requires managing your own stimulation
while responding to your partner's signals. Your mind can be full of questions
like "Is what I'm doing working?", "What do I do next?", "Am I getting too
close?" and "Is my partner getting close?"
That's why we begin Ultimate Ecstatic Solution partner training by alternating
giving and receiving. When you're receiving, you can completely focus your full
attention on your outer sensations, your inner feelings, and your own pleasure.
To make progress, you'll have to fully accept being in this receptive role.
Achieving this a learning experience all by itself for most guys who are
programmed to strive to be the ultimate satisfier of women. You'd be wise to
expect some adjustment as you settle into pure receptivity. If you can
remember some hot experiences when your lover simply gave to you, it will be
easier to make an agreement about doing each other one at a time. When you
each know full well that you'll return the favor later, it will be easier to relax
and surrender.
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Before doing each practice, be sure you read the instructions together. Except
for the first couple of exercises in this chapter, which are clearly marked, you'll
want to do most of these practices several times at least spread over a week or
two. Remember, you're absorbing the Tantric spirit of lovemaking which
advises you to go slowly and savor every little tidbit of sensation. Focus on the
journey not the destination. Don't rush so you can enjoy more.
Exercise: Agreeing On Signals
Take a few minutes now to agree on signals you'll depend on during practices
and unstructured lovemaking. Signals are words, sounds, or hand motions
you'll use to give your partner feedback about your erotic reactions and arousal
level. You'll both benefit from having a crystal clear shorthand that lets you
express yourself without getting too deeply into the mind. It takes practice to
insure a quick, simple, effortless, non-distracting way to alert your partner to
where you're at in each moment.
Primary among these cues is the 10 point scale we've been using...
0 = no arousal
1 = twinge at base of penis
2 = occasional little surges of pleasure
3 = starting to feel good
4 = steady hum low level arousal
5 = feeling really good, metabolism increases
6 = really into it, don't want to stop
7 = continuous rush of pleasure, fast breathing
8 = buzzing inside, face flushed, heart pounding
9 = intense pleasure, outside world is far away
9.9 = point of no return, emission phase begins
10 = ejaculation (expulsion phase)
1) Read the instructions to this exercise together.
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2) Agree on words, sounds, or signals for "slow" and "stop." I like to say "a little
slower please" to slow my partner down, and sometimes I put my hands up in a
stopping motion. Some lovers like to squeeze their partner's hips or shoulders
lightly, push upward, or grab their hands to ask for a complete stop. Feel free
to invent your own and use what feels best.
3) Explain your experience with the 10-point scale and any personal definitions
you've discovered. Agree that sometimes you'll just use a number to convey
your level of arousal.
4) Practice with a communication cycle that begins and ends with positive
reinforcement. I call this the "feedback sandwich". It's a diplomatic way to ask
for changes without hurting your partner's feelings. Anytime you want to be
pleasured differently, begin by finding something to compliment. Next, ask for
what you want, explaining how that would feel even better. Finally,
acknowledge something about what's working. If the change isn't exactly what
you were asking for, do another three-step feedback sandwich. For example, if
your partner is stroking vajra too lightly you might say...
"You have the most delicate hands.
"They would feel even better with more pressure.
"Ooooh, that's really exciting. Thanks."
Practice the feedback cycle now by exchanging back scratching until you feel
comfortable using the three steps routinely.
5) Practice "yes/no" questions. During erotic play, we all sink into speechless
times when the feedback sandwich would be difficult to do. While deep in the
throes of ecstasy, too much explaining and verbalizing can spoil the mood.
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