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that suggested self-disgust. 'I can see now you've been hurt in a way^ that I
never envisaged, was too blind to comprehend. And I regret it, very deeply.'
He sighed again, and his voice softened. Tor what you've done, for what
you've tried to do, Robyn, ask anything of me at all, anything you want.'
'I want you to go,' she sobbed, unable to bear any more.
The greatest sadness, the old lady had said. And how right, how very right
she had been.
It wasn't Julian's fault that she had chosen to do what he had asked. She
shouldn't blame him, or hate him for not fulfilling her self-deluding dreams.
Nor could she hate David for what he had done. But there was nothing left
for her.
And, while the old lady had been right about some things, she had been
wrong about Julian. No matter how much her heart and mind cried out for
him, they could never marry now. His brother would always lie between
them, a memory that could never be expunged.
She lifted bleak, tear-washed eyes to the man she could never have and
forced herself to say what had to be said. 41 want you to go away. To go
away with David. And I don't want to see either of you, ever again. It would
be.. .intolerable.'
He bowed his head, rubbed his hand over his eyes for several agonising
moments, then pushed himself out of the chair, and slowly straightened to
his full height. 'Yes, you're right,' he muttered. 'It is.. .intolerable.'
His face was all harsh planes, more austere than she had ever seen it, and,
when he lifted his gaze to meet hers, the haunted look in his eyes seemed to
reflect her own inner agony.
'I won't ever intrude on your privacy again,' he assured her softly. 'It won't
mean anything to you, but you've changed my feelings about women for
ever. It was... a privilege... to know you, for however short a time. I hope...'
He closed his eyes and shook his head. 'Aloha,' he whispered huskily, and
strode quickly away.
He jerked to a halt by the bedside-table, placed her room-key on it, then
walked even more swiftly to the door. He did not look back at her.
'Aloha,' she whispered as the door shut behind him. And the tears started
rolling again, tears of grief for what might have been, because Julian had
come to care for her; and it was too late.
CHAPTER TEN
ROBYN didn't know how long she sat on the sofa after Julian left. Her mind
was a haze of pain, her body an ache of emptiness, and the loneliness of utter
despair was a pall from which there was no escape. She didn't remember
going to bed or falling asleep, but when she woke the next morning she felt
no differently. A few hours had been blanked out. That was all.
She took herself out to the sun, but nothing could brighten her spirits or
lighten the darkness in her soul. She lay by the pool, mechanically working
on getting a tan. After all, she was supposed to show something for her
Hawaiian holiday.
The beeper on her telephone was signalling a message when she returned to
her room. She rang the hotel concierge who informed her that there was a
letter for her at the desk. She went up to the lobby to collect it, not even
pausing to consider who might have written to her.
But it was not really a letter; only a sealed envelope with her name and room
number scrawled across it. In Julian's handwriting!
She told herself to throw it away unopened, that it would only sharpen the
pain that had simmered down to a tolerable level, but her fingers played
traitor to her will, tearing through the flap even as her tired mind listlessly
argued the point.
It contained one sheet of notepaper and a business card for the Lassiter
Corporation. On the back of the card were printed two telephone
numbers one business; one personal. The message on the notepaper was
short.
Robyn
If you are ever in need of anything any help or assistance at any
time, for anything at all, I will always be available. Just call me.
Julian.
Like a good big brother, she thought, remembering with savage irony that
the same brotherliness he extended to David was precisely what she had
wanted from Julian...until she had learnt better. And that bitter lesson was
unlikely to be forgotten, ever. She would never be able to see him without
pain, and Robyn had already experienced enough of that without inviting
more.
Nevertheless, she kept the card and the note. It was all she had left of him.
The lei was gone. He was gone. And it was some small comfort to have
something to show he had cared.
The rings on her left hand didn't count. They were the reminders of her
marriage to David. And she only kept them because a child might have been
conceived on one of those two nights.
Biologically it was possible, even probable, since she had been right in the
middle of her fertile cycle, but Robyn had known couples where conception
hadn't happened straight away. Sometimes they tried for months before
achieving the desired result. Nature could be very capricious. She hoped it
would be with her. It would avoid so many complications.
But Robyn could not ignore the possibility, however ambivalent her feelings
were towards it. Somewhere in her life she still wanted a child of her own,
and there were moments of painful compassion when she still wanted David
to have his child; but she was not sure how she would cope with such an
eventuality.
Robyn told herself she would face that when it came, if it came. Meanwhile
she had to get through the days as best she could.
Life flowed around her during the rest of her stay on Maui, but Robyn did
not feel part of it. It was like an insubstantial dream. She couldn't recapture
her sense of pleasure in her beautiful surroundings. She wanted to go home.
Only the ingrained principle of taking what she had paid for kept her at the
hotel until the designated end of her holiday.
It was with almost overwhelming relief that Robyn packed her bags and
caught the shuttle back to Maui Airport. Nevertheless, as she walked up to
the entrance of the airport terminal a haunting shiver ran down her spine.
The old lady was not there, but Robyn's memory was all too
acute replaying the scene of a week ago, even to the exact words spoken. It
was impossible to prevent herself from turning around and looking at the
spot where she had first seen Julian Lassiter.
It took all Robyn's will-power to recollect herself and keep going. She
checked in for her flight and had her suitcase directed through to Sydney.
Fortunately she did not have to wait long before boarding the Hawaiian
Airways plane. It was a much longer wait for the Qantas connecting flight at
Honolulu, but the terminal there held no poignant memories, and home was
closer.
The last leg of the flight took ten hours. With her limited capacity and
experience, a few solid drinks helped put Robyn to sleep and the night
passed without much stress at all. It was early morning before she was
roused to full consciousness with the pilot's announcement of their approach
to Mascot Airport.
Robyn stirred from her fitful dozing and looked out of the porthole window.
They were flying over the lakes of the Central Coast, just north of Sydney;
the beautiful waterways marking their unique and distinctive pattern on the
land below; the impressive fjords of the Hawkesbury River winding their
convoluted way inland from the sea; and then the harbour gracing the city
with its myriad inlets and coves. Surely this had to be one of the most
beautiful scenes in the world.
The great coathanger bridge hung majestically across the misty water and
sunshine bounced off the white sails of the Opera House roof. Their familiar
lines made them all the more dear to her, and Robyn felt a strong tug of love
for her own country. It was good to be home.
It was even better, an hour or so later, to walk into her small terraced house
at Paddington and close the rest of the world out. She unpacked
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